What do you have in your basement? Since the FBI raided former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Club basement, people across the nation have checked their own subterranean locations for possible FBI trouble.

Floridians are especially worried. “I have a ping-pong table, pool table, and foosball game in my basement for my kids,” admits John, who requested the use of his first name only for his protection. “I don’t think these are illegal, but who knows? If the gumshoes can rummage through a former president’s cellar, just think of what they can do to my junk heap.”

“I keep my kids’ high school and college papers in a locked file cabinet in our basement,” said June, an anonymous mom from Colorado. “One of my son’s essays is about legalizing marijuana. It was written in the 1990s and got him kicked out of school. I know marijuana laws have changed since then, but who knows what those crazy legalistas may cook up, so to speak. There’s a mushroom legalization initiative on our November ballot,” she added. “I know the FBI wants that killed. We’re definitely a hot spot for drugs here in the square state. I’m keeping my eyes open and my basement door shut.”

A housewife from New Jersey, Susie Anderson, 35, put a call in to the FBI to check out her basement. “My husband stores his college beer can collection against the back wall. I bet there’s over a thousand empty cans of beer stacked up. He has just about every beer type ever brewed — Bud, Miller, Coors, Modelo, Corona, Dos Equis, Stella, Michelob, Heineken, Guinness — you name it, he’s had more than one. I’ve asked and asked him to get rid of the cans, or at least recycle them, but he says it’s his last connection to the best time of his life. I’m counting on the FBI to take care this! They can do it! Door’s open! Please!”

Gail McCormick from Los Angeles read about Susie Anderson’s problem with beer cans and decided to call the feds too. Her husband has a bar, bar stools, scotch and grappa collection that’s more than 40 years in the making in her basement. “I want it all out, now,” she exclaimed to the agent who picked up her call. “We can’t have a party without the men slinking downstairs for a shot of Glenlivet or Moleto di Nebbiolo da Barolo at $39.99 a bottle. Then they smoke cigarettes and cigars and fill the ashtrays. The men never leave a tip and I’m the one who ends up cleaning the mess.” McCormick reports that the FBI stiffed her by passing her off to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. “We’re the FBI,” said the agent who answered her call. “We don’t do booze or butts.”

A former U.S. general named Petraeus complained to the FBI about the search for documents at Mar-a-Lago. “They need to arrest the guy who owns that place,” said the general. “The snoopers turned my place upside down, embarrassing me and everyone on my block, as well as my girlfriend. Then they put me in jail, did a mug shot, took my fingerprints, the whole nine yards. If I’m not above the law, then that guy sure shouldn’t be. I didn’t take top secret nuclear documents with me, nothing like that. There was a valentine to the Taliban, but that was my own little secret, not for the government. And what the hell was that guy planning to do with those papers anyway? Put them up on eBay or Craigslist?”

The FBI has placed the nation on notice that it’s not in the business of cleaning out detritus in basements and crawl spaces. “We haven’t searched basements since the Hoover days when J. Edgar had his men arresting civil rights agitators in Mississippi for planning sit-ins at Woolworth’s in basements occupied by the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee,” stated Christopher Wray, current FBI director. “The Mar-a-Lago is a one-off, or actually a two-off because we grabbed boxes there in June too. We’re pretty sure the former president hasn’t hidden documents in his New Jersey digs. We’re holding our breath on that one.”

Paula Noonan owns Colorado Capitol Watch, the state’s premier legislature tracking platform.