Listen up, Colorado! I have a hell of a deal for our state that’s a solid-gold work of art. We should know by now we have a president who won’t pass up any opportunity to micturate on the Centennial State. Yet, he still prides himself on his skills as a peace negotiator, except for his frequent propensity to bomb anyone, anywhere he happens to dislike. Donald should probably accept Ms. Machado’s offer to transfer her 2024 Nobel Peace Prize to him since it’s unlikely he will ever receive one without threatening to seize Oslo.

Fortunately, it turns out we have something he wants — Tina Peters. Here’s my deal: We agree to turn Tina over to U.S. Marshals once he signs a contract that addresses the following items, most of which are currently being litigated as affronts to the U.S. Constitution. As busy as this is keeping Attorney General Phil Weiser, it will take federal courts years to resolve them, if ever.

Before listing the conditions and dollars that should be wired to the Colorado Treasury, it is probably worthwhile to discuss Ms. Peters criminal record. If, dear reader, you’ve failed to familiarize yourself with her crimes, I suggest you take a few minutes to peruse her Wikipedia entry. She is not a political prisoner, as alleged by the White House, but a felon charged by a genuine Republican District Attorney in Mesa County and her infractions were confirmed unanimously by a jury of her peers — drawn from a blood-red citizenry that had to include fellow partisans. In her defense, my own assessment tells me her bulb was not the brightest on the Christmas tree at the La Vista Correctional Facility for women in Pueblo during the recent holidays. Stupidity is not a defense, of course, but certainly seems a contributing factor. Judge Mattew Barrett’s sentencing statement is worth reading, as well. The judge identifies her as the most “defiant defendant” he has ever encountered.

Before we prepare an invoice for financial damages, there are several behavioral conditions the president should accede to in exchange for Peters’ release. First, no further ICE incursions into the Centennial State. We can handle this issue ourselves. No activation of our National Guard, nor dispatch of troops from our neighbors. Second, cease and desist from punitive actions against Colorado. This should start by restoring full federal funding for both NREL and NCAR, while rehiring everyone who has been sacked. These are national, even global treasures that safeguard all Americans. I recognize the president believes climate change and global warming are hoaxes. It’s embarrassing our own Chris Wright, who once knew better and now serves as our Secretary of Energy, has been struck mute. I invite both to fly to Colorado and visit our ski areas this winter. They won’t require their snow boots.

Here are the terms, Mr. President. Getting down to dollars and cents (oops, you’ve scuppered the penny) that often most concern you, we insist you release the transportation dollars scheduled for Colorado highway projects you have blocked. Add to that, restoration of the child-care reimbursements that have been cancelled because of an alleged fraud in Minnesota. No ethical system can justify punishing bystanders for the sins of others. This outrage isn’t even a case of visiting the sins of the father on his sons and daughters but punishing Colorado for the misdeeds of our distant cousins.

Democrats are not congenitally thieves, and this penalty hurts most where your Colorado supporters reside — in rural, farming and ranching communities. While we are examining this consequence, we also would require full funding of the potable water pipeline from Pueblo Reservoir to agriculture towns in southeast Colorado where their groundwater is polluted. Even Lauren Boebert has decried your veto canceling this much needed relief.

There are a few additional items we would like to include in any settlement of Colorado’s grievances. No more begging for federal dollars to deploy Front Range Passenger Rail and a substantial down payment on the construction of the nation’s first high-speed monorail from Denver to our mountain resorts. Immediate grants to RTD for the buildout of its transit network would be required, as well. Accelerating a long-promised extension of broadband streaming services throughout a largely rural state would also be essential. And, what’s with subsidizing Argentinian beef when Colorado ranchers can barely break even as they deliver cattle to the slaughterhouse? Was “America First” just a hollow campaign slogan?

I know the White House doesn’t like to dirty its hands by personally negotiating a package like this, Mr. Trump, but we would be happy to work with your son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who seems adept as a family consigliere. We would require the dollars due to Colorado be deposited here before Ms. Peters’ release. Crypto stablecoins would be unacceptable. We will only accept payment in dollars. I expect there are other requests I may have overlooked, but that’s the purpose of negotiating a deal. We can probably agree to try and cool down the accusations of dictatorship and fascism if you will meet us more than halfway. Then again, this animosity may be beyond our control.

I know my proposed wish list adds up — tens of billions. We are both of an age where we can recall the “Six Million Dollar Man” movie. Working together, we can make Tina, the “20 Billion Dollar Woman.” She’d like that. Tina was unable to win her Republican primary for Secretary of State in 2022, so there’s little chance she will ever again seek public office here. Only you could make her a MAGA icon. It would be decent, however, if you found her a villa near Mar-a-Lago. We can discuss this with Jared. I know you like to protect and coddle your most virulent supporters. I assure you, she won’t be missed here. This deal is the best you could ever make — unprecedented, historic!

Miller Hudson is a public affairs consultant and a former Colorado legislator.