It is time to look back, month by month, at the year that was. Or, rather, wasn’t.

January: With advance notice of the new Coronavirus and the inevitability of it soon reaching America, the Trump administration swung into high gear to use these critical months to prepare a robust public health response and stockpile necessary equipment. The President delivered an Oval Office address, informing the American people, “A trying year lies ahead. Casting blame for the origins of this virus serves little purpose. I will always level with you and we will not underestimate the danger.”

February: The Democratic nominating process got underway in Iowa. The caucuses were smoothly run with the surprise winner, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, able to give his victory speech still in prime time. Two nights later, President Trump delivered his State of the Union address with an appeal to national unity given the crisis on the horizon. Speaker Nancy Pelosi signaled her cooperation by asking the President to sign her copy of the speech. Trump short-circuited the impeachment trial by humbly taking to the well of the Senate to ask forgiveness for what he admitted was, “a clearly wrong and imperfect phone call.”

March: Democratic Party leaders in Iowa and New Hampshire held a press conference to admit that their historic role in selecting the nominee was no longer applicable and to cede their traditional head-of-the-line role to other states. President Trump convened a virtual meeting of election officials from across the country to discuss the inevitable sharp increase in mail-in voting and to promise a concerted federal and state effort to make sure all such systems were efficient and secure so that every American would have total confidence.

April: With most Americans staying home amidst the escalating pandemic, Netflix withdrew its series on a egomaniacal, gay, tattooed tiger collector when audiences tuned it out as way too far-fetched. In keeping with America’s status as an industrial leader with advanced health systems, we were able to donate vast quantities of hospital-grade personal protective equipment to other needy counties. Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis closed his state’s beaches, saying, “Are you kidding me? There’s a pandemic out there and some people are worried about tourism and spring break.”

May: When Secretary of State Mike Pompeo asked to fire the department’s inspector general, Trump expressly prohibited it. “This administration is committed to oversight and transparency which inspectors general throughout government help to secure,” the President stated. Asked at a COVID press briefing about a rumor of disinfecting bleach being an effective remedy, Trump responded by warning against such quackery. The Minneapolis police blotter carried a minor notice about an incident where a mental health professional diffused a tense situation with an individual named George Floyd.

June: With street protests rocking the country, Trump invited a dozen representatives from Black Lives Matter to meet him for Bible study at St. John’s Church across Lafayette Square. At Herman Cain’s urging, Trump cancelled an indoor campaign rally planned for Tulsa. In St. Louis, Mark and Patricia McCloskey served coffee and rolls to those marching down the street in front of their home. While nearby, Black community leaders cracked down hard on looters and police captain David Dorn was able to enjoy a relaxed evening with his wife. In Seattle, reporters covering the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone were required to register as foreign correspondents.

July: The country united behind wearing masks as the simplest way to stop COVID spread and restore the economy. Americans of all political stripes came to regard it as a patriotic duty. Facing arrest, Jeffrey Epstein’s procurer, Ghislaine Maxwell, joined with the Epstein family to donate $100 million to the fight against sexual predators. In time for the upcoming season, the Washington football team announced its new name, having abandoned the grossly insensitive Redskins moniker years ago. They will now be known as the Washington Deep State; that having been picked over the runner-up choice, the Tribalists.

August: After the virtual reality of the two nominating conventions, there was a national consensus to do it this way in perpetuity. Better entertainment; less booze and fewer pompous, sweaty bodies. Psychology Today ran a cover story on how one relationship could contain as much toxic anger as that of Donald Trump, Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle. The Postal Service announced that it would hold off on operational changes to guard against any election season chaos. Major school districts opened early for in-person learning, knowing that shutdowns would be inevitable when the weather turned colder. Citing “an abundance of caution,” South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem cancelled the Sturgis motorcycle rally.

September: Nancy Pelosi grew her hair out after lamenting the public health closure of her salon. In mourning the death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Senator Mitch McConnell affirmed, “Republicans are men and women of principle. Of course, we will be good to our word and hold this seat open to be filled by the person chosen as the next president.” Joe Biden emerged from his basement, saw his shadow, and retreated for six more weeks. The first presidential debate was an inconsequential yawner. Trump strategists promised that their guy would show up more caffeinated for the next encounter.

October: Two days after that initial debate, the President helicoptered to Walter Reed Hospital for a routine check-up. While there, he donned protective gear and visited patients in the COVID ward. The White House announced that it was suspending all indoor and outdoor events for fear of turning into a super-spreader site. North Korean dictator Kim Yo-jong, sister of the disappeared Kim Jong-un, made an historic state visit to Washington where she conducted a workshop for female activists, entitled, “Breaking bones. Glass ceilings, too.”

November: While Americans gave Trump credit for his conscientious response to the COVID pandemic, the economic downturn proved too much and he narrowly lost reelection. When the outcome was clear 48 hours later, the incumbent, gracious as always, called Biden to concede the race. Like President Obama’s invitation to him four years earlier, Trump invited the President-elect to join him in the Oval Office the next day. Philadelphia’s Four Seasons Total Landscaping briefly became an internet meme when a limo driver dropped Rudy Giuliani there instead of at the prestige hotel of similar name.

December: In a 60 Minutes interview, Biden profusely praised Trump for a prompt and orderly transition. Owning his loss, Trump traveled to Georgia to rally Republican support for the Senate runoff elections. Sticking to his Teleprompter script, the President reassured, “You can trust in the integrity of the election process. Have no doubt that your vote will be again fairly counted.” The NFL, having postponed multiple games and forced one team to play without an active quarterback, put safety first and cancelled the remainder of the season. Jared and Ivanka jointly authored an op-ed column preaching the importance of merit as the key to success in this country.

Oh, never mind. That is not at all what happened. Here is hoping for a new year in which the reality is far less distressing.