When I saw the headline, “COVID Can Shrink Your Brain” in The Week magazine I hesitated to read the article. As a twice vaxxed and boosted victim of Omicron, the last thing I wanted to discover is proof that my processor is decaying. “Most people lose about 0.2% of gray matter each year through normal aging. But COVID patients … nearly all of whom had only mild to moderate disease, had as much as ten-times this much loss,” was hardly reassuring. Reading through to the end, however, it turns out the bulk of the shrinkage takes place in those areas of the brain related to smell. The pursuit of pheromones long ago lost any allure, so I presume I should simply embrace COVID’s incremental damage.

My focus, such as it is, has been drawn to several bills introduced during the 2022 session. Just because a legislator has a bright idea rarely means we need another law. This is not a recent problem. For decades legislation has been introduced either for the purpose of virtue signaling or, more often, alerting a speciific constituency that the sponsor remains their ally. As a case study we can examine House Bill 22-1134, which attracted bipartisan support: “Concerning measures to reduce the use of single-use meal accessories.” What’s the problem here – apparently too many plastic utensils, napkins and packaging destined for Colorado landfills.

Climate change now has Colorado homes burning 12 months a year. Vladimir Putin is threatening to deploy tactical nukes. And our students are learning less on Zoom than they should, while COVID spasmodically overruns our emergency rooms. I suppose there’s a link between the desire to “…mitigate the harmful effects on our state’s natural resources and our environment that result from disposing of these (single-use) products in our landfills” and our recent reliance on delivered meals. So, how does threatening to fine restaurants – establishments that are struggling to survive – each time they include single-use disposables without a specific permission from each customer actually protect Colorado’s environment? (Not to mention the far larger challenge of plastic packaging for foodstuffs purchased in our groceries.)

The bill summary specifies that, “…a retail food establishment or third-party food-delivery service may provide a customer with single-use food serviceware or a single-use condiment that accompanies food ordered for delivery or carryout only if the customer requests single-use food serviceware or a single-use condiment or confirms that the customer wants single-use food serviceware or a single-use condiment when offered.” Wow! Don’t you feel better? The proposed legislation is permissive, in the sense that it enables local governments to establish local ordinances to implement the requirements of HB 22-1134. Fortunately, this misconceived legislation was killed in committee.

It’s a worthwhile exercise to consider the consequences if it had been adopted. An effort to restrain a waste stream that has to be some fraction far less than 1% of the total volume headed to Colorado landfills would have placed restaurants that are laboring to keep their doors open subject to liability for decisions over which they have little control. Precisely who would be eligible to report violations and what protections would restaurants have against fraudulent claims? More to the point, what public prosecutors, at a time of growing crime, would even consider pursuing such claims? And, yes, every time laws are passed requiring compliance there are legal pirates who quickly attempt to convert the law into a treasure hunt.

I haven’t purchased single-use plastic ware for more than two years. I toss any surplus utensils in a recycle drawer for family use at picnics and parties. We then wash and recycle them. When I think of it, I may mention I don’t need single-use items, but they are often included anyway. Incorporating delivery services into the bill as potential criminal actors verges on the absurd. Should Grubhub drivers really be required to inspect each bag (in an early draft of the legislation, delivery bags themselves were prohibited) for contraband single-use serviceware? This provision remained: “…a retail food establishment or third-party delivery service may provide a customer with a single-use food serviceware used for the prevention of spills only upon request.” I guess you would be ordering hot coffee at your own risk.

The bill listed and describes what qualify as single-use condiments. Special restrictions apply in the case of hotels, while airport vendors qualify for certain exemptions and self-service stations are urged to offer bulk dispensers. Even special events (think wedding receptions) are called out for compliance from caterers. Online ordering platforms are swept up as well. If this all sounds a little nuts, it’s more than a single-serving of nuts.

Why not ask public health departments or municipal restaurant inspectors to deliver a letter suggesting every customer be asked whether they want single-use serviceware? Problem solved!

Miller Hudson is a public affairs consultant and a former Colorado legislator.